Hello, I'm an Imposter

Not the one from the game "Among us."

To the person reading this: You're not an imposter; you're doing great. Everything is going to be OK. We all feel like this from time to time.

I usually write about non-technical things, sometimes about my perspective, i.e., what makes a good team leader or why writing is good. This time it's going to be different. It will be a story about me and how I felt in some life episodes.

Let's start with why I'm writing this post. Not going to hide, I knew I had/have this syndrome, but I've only admitted it to a couple of friends and colleagues and never thought I'd share it with a broader audience. I went to a meetup about imposter syndrome; I wanted to see what would happen there and explore. Seeing people sharing their situations and how they cope and deal with them. After the meetup, I realized (exactly what imposter syndrome makes it harder to see) that most people have it and deal with it. I'm not the only one. So this post is my way of expressing myself about this challenging topic.

My story

In school, I was doing good; I'd say even great—one of the top students there. After final exams and getting into a study program in financial and actuarial maths, I understood that I'm not one of those top people I used to be. It's a bit hard when you're used to being at the top, and suddenly you're last. I was the last to get a free spot based on my exam results and grades. Living in a different city, far from home, didn't make it easy to adjust and cope too. You lose yourself having fun and barely get through the first exam sessions. The thing is that my first kick to my butt was when I failed an exam. I felt miserable and a colossal failure. I'd say it was the moment I was down the most. With support from some of my friends, I managed to pull through. Honestly, I wasn't at the bottom of the bunch after that. I learned and tried hard to get through. So I dealt with that imposter by studying more, trying harder, and proving to myself that I could.

The next time I remember imposter syndrome kicked in was, of course, in the first workplace. I was getting my first paid job while studying was super lovely. I was independent and could support myself. The high you get from achieving something. I rode that high a lot, took more responsibilities (started creating some ads with Photoshop), and of course, my primary ones got hurt. My manager told me, "We see your work quality dropped." And, boom, back to the realization, "What am I doing here? Can't even do my job". Then I got an easy excuse to get out since I needed my internship, and it had to be closer to my studies. I took the easy way out, reasoning with myself that it's better like this.

I'll fast forward and summarise other workplaces because the situation repeated for a while. Get a job, get comfortable, later catch yourself slacking, not being performant enough — find a new job.

But let's cut to the one story from which my blog posting started. This one is exciting and gives a different perspective.

Working in a big and successful company, I got a colleague who, after one week working here, says he's going to be my lead. I had nothing against that guy, but I thought maybe at some point would be considered. Imposter syndrome kicks in "I suck here, don't deliver or don't show potential," and all other similar thoughts go inside my head. So for a weak, I'm again super unmotivated, thinking of all the different scenarios. What can I do? Maybe I should look at the job ads? And suddenly, a thought kicks in — maybe if I work on my social presence, I'll get noticed inside and outside. I might have more possibilities! You must work hard to have your brand and image in professional networks. So I started grinding, researching, writing posts, and sharing with my colleagues in the company and on social networks. I was hiding my feelings of being an imposter at work as another imposter — a blogger. Felt like inception.

I'm not saying I'm bad at it since I see people reading my posts, finding them useful, and interacting with me on LinkedIn in the comments under the posts here on Medium. So it eased down a bit when I got more support from others that my posts were helpful, etc.

The funny part was that I could have stayed in the same role by doing nothing and accepting that I was an imposter, but later I became the lead. Guess what happened? Imposter syndrome kicks in. I have no managerial experience. Maybe I shouldn't have worked on social presence and credibility. Maybe that guy was more suitable than me? What have I done?

It never ends.

My thoughts

I liked when one of the speakers at that meetup said something between these lines: "There are no past imposters; you're always one. Sometimes it's not visible, sometimes there, but it's always inside you." The thing is that it has some forms that are visible among groups of people, but very few people talk about it. In this article, they outline five different types of imposter syndrome:

• The Perfectionist

• The Expert

• The Natural Genius

• The Soloist

• The Superperson

And what's even more interesting is that I could attribute myself to all of them, but in very different periods in my life. It's not like you're only in one type. You grow, learn more, and your thoughts adapt and adjust. You have a new mindset, which might lead to a new imposter syndrome variation rising.

I always say that I'm lucky in my career. I was in the right place at the right time for every role. But is it luck if it's recurring that often? Maybe I doubt myself too much? Maybe comparing myself to others is not a good idea. These thoughts run in my head quite often, but I still can't validate and accept them as truth. But then, you know, imposter syndrome kicks in again, and here we go again. I.e., Now I have more responsibilities than I ever imagined. I need to catch up on the analytics part, which was neglected for quite a while, feeling that I'm not delivering enough and not contributing to the company's greater good. Maybe someone else would be a better fit for this role?

That meetup was a gift sent in strange ways to me. I went in without any expectation and understood it's OK to feel like I do. I understood that highly successful people also have this syndrome and try their best. Everyone deals with their imposter syndrome differently. What helps for me — talking about it more. Start small with people you trust. It's a sensitive topic. I also liked some ideas I heard from the speakers and might try out:

• Write a sticky note on your laptop "Everything is going to be OK."

• Keep a folder where other people praise you for your work

• Therapy — It's still a stigma in society, but it shouldn't. It's not a shame to admit that you need help coping/dealing with these things.

Keep in mind that imposter syndrome might even become a superpower. It shows you understand how much you don't know when growing. It falls well with the saying, "Ignorance is bliss." Less you know, less you're worried about it. It might motivate you to try harder and push to the next level.

If you understand Lithuanian, you can check out the recording from that session.